My greatest fear.

That's a great title. 'My greatest fear.' To be honest, I'm not really sure what I fear most. This is depressing. But I'm depressed, so. 

I fear losing myself. If I lose myself, then I lose the people around me because they will stop wanting to hang out with me. And then I'll be alone. So, I guess my greatest fear is being alone. With my thoughts. 

I don't seem to have that much control over my thoughts. They just seem to like to attack me. I can't help it. It's like other people's voices are in my head, telling me my every flaw, every mistake. And it's all because of me. 

I hate crying, but I am right now. 

I hate crying. I'm supposed to be strong. But how am I supposed to be strong when I have no one there? No one has ever asked me 'are you ok' because there was never a need. I always act happy. But I just wish for once somebody would see through that. Like how Fang can just ask what's wrong with Max and she'll cry. Because she is always there for everyone else, but no one is there for her. Or like how Betty can't tell anyone about the calls or they die. Or how Maka is depressed and lost in her own thoughts and the only way to tell is by Soul asking her if she is ok. She usually lies. Or Hikaru, getting completely forgotten, in his twin's shadow. The world doesn't revolve around me. 

It revolves around everyone else. I just need to make sure they are happy with that. 

My friend, best friend, whenever she can't sleep I tell her to text me. She usually does but I can tell sometimes she just doesn't have the energy. We play 20 questions till she is tired. It doesn't matter if I was tired or was trying to sleep. My priority at that moment would be getting her to sleep. 

I'm not depressed. I don't need help. 

But with all this. 

I think I do. 

But I don't know who to ask. My mother would tell me I need a consular and they'll help me, but I don't want one, they wouldn't understand. And I wouldn't tell them anyway. I had just met them. If I had known my Mom for 12 years and I don't tell her my secrets, why would I tell a stranger?

I just need shit to blow over. It has been here for way to long and it's starting to stink. 

Fly On, 

Addz